Today's suggested topics: The Rapture, those new Starbucks Pops or whatever, a Big Mac.
Qorviq slid the handcuffs off his flippers as the black SUV carrying the Shark & Killer Whale Mafiosa sped off. He waved the cloud of dust away from his snout and squinted to try and read the green road sign what looked to be about a half mile ahead through the slowly-clearing desert air.
Shit. I'm stranded in the middle of the desert with one jug of water and a bag of fucking Golden Oreos. I mean yeah, my blood sugar won't dip but I'm a seal, not a diabetic!
He chuckled aloud after thinking that last part to himself, then quickly returned to despair. What was most disappointing was the God damn Killer Whale had left him stranded without his new iPad 9.
He slowly got up and brushed himself off and started toward the road sign. He passed a badly rusted mile marker with a large black vulture sitting atop it.
As he got closer to the road sign he saw that it had been shot up, full of bullet holes. He couldn't even read the names of the closest towns, which even through the bullet holes, looked to be over a hundred miles away. He took a look up and down the extremely long and deserted stretch of two-lane highway and saw nothing but a tumbleweed and the vulture sitting on the mile marker take off in flight of some scavenged food.
This is such bullshit.
Suddenly Qorviq heard a bullet ricochet off the road sign directly in front of him. He quickly ducked, but it was too late, the bullet grazed his foot-flipper.
OW! FUCK! SON OF A SHIT! DAMMIT! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!!!!!!!!
He fell to the ground clutching his flipper and rocked back and forth in pain. A coyote ran up to him brandishing a shotgun.
Oh shit Son! SHIT! Are you OK? Shit, I didn't mean to go and shoot you, it was just a warning shot. Wait a minute... you're HIM!
Qorviq looked up at the coyote and blinked through his teared-up beady seal eyes.
What the FUCK are you talking about!? Why did you shoot me!? You SHOT me man!!!
The coyote crouched down to look at the wound and saw it was just a grazing. He got some gauze from the backpack he was carrying and slowly wrapped Qorviq's flipper as Qorviq sat back wincing in pain.
I know you're him, man.
The coyote kept repeating over and over that he knew who Qorviq was, and that he was "the chosen one." Qorviq didn't really care at this point. He felt things going black. Right before he closed his eyes she saw a small pack of coyotes arrive with a cot. They were all in awe of Qorviq's presence as well. As he let himself drift into unconsciousness he started envisioning being held captive by a pack of religious fanatic coyotes who thought his arrival in their desert territory signified the rapture or something.
He then passed out.
Several days later Qorviq awoke on what looked like some kind of desert military base. He was on a cot covered in a grey blanket, in some kind of metal tool shed type structure. The window right next to him showed row after row of the same type structure almost like barracks. There were coyotes everywhere. He put his head back down on his pillow, wondering what he should do next. He heard the door of his tool shed open and saw two coyotes in uniform before closing his eyes again, pretending to sleep.
Did you hear about that dude in Wisconsin who ate 25,000 Big Macs?
That is ridiculous, but he's from Wisconsin, so not as surprising.
Speaking of ridiculous, this seal has been sleeping for two and a half days, at some point they're gonna have to wake him up.
Yeah, but with what he's been through, and now what he's getting assigned to, I mean, I'd sleep as long as I could too, ya know?
Yeah, I guess. Let's go to the base Starbucks, I want to get one of those birthday cake pops.
God dammit, those are delicious.
The two left the room and Qorviq opened his eyes again. How the hell did the coyotes know what he'd been through? And what was in store for him next?
POOR QORVIQ! HIS SHITTY LUCK NEVER RUNS OUT!!! WHAT'S NEXT FOR HIM? STAY TUNED!!!!!!